Disclaimer: This blog begins with a disclaimer, unlike many that place a disclaimer at the end. Although various methods to temper the ego are discussed, these are practices shared by remarkable individuals I have been privileged to know personally. I, the author, do not claim to be among these esteemed practitioners but merely compile their techniques. Please do not assume I am an accomplished practitioner myself.
Some degree of ego or sense of self is essential for our earthly connections. Human emotions, including love and attachment to family, friends, and nation, hold significant value. Without any ego, a person might feel disconnected from the world, which may not be ideal at certain stages of life.
However, excessive ego often leads to suffering, both for the individual and others. For instance, autocratic leaders with inflated egos, such as former Philippine leader Rodrigo Duterte, have assumed roles of investigator, judge, and executioner, bypassing fair trials to eliminate drug users and dealers. Similarly, during the Iran-Iraq war, Saddam Hussein invited candid advice from his ministers. When Dr. Riyadh Ibrahim suggested he temporarily step down to facilitate peace talks, he was sacked, arrested and brutally executed. Such extreme actions highlight the cruelty that an oversized ego can inflict.
Countless examples exist of individuals causing pain due to their bloated egos. Shakespeare captures this in Measure for Measure:
“But man, proud man,
Dress'd in a little brief
authority,
Most ignorant of what he's most
assur'd—
His glassy essence—like an angry
ape
Plays such fantastic tricks
before high heaven
As makes the angels weep; who,
with our spleens,
Would all themselves laugh
mortal.”
― William Shakespeare, Measure
for Measure
An ancient Sanskrit verse from the Hitopdesha states, ‘vidya dadati vinayam…..’ (knowledge gives humility), suggesting that true wisdom fosters a humble 'trimmed down' ego.
This blog does not aim to prove the harm of an
inflated ego—history and daily life provide ample evidence. Instead, it
explores methods used by wise individuals to reduce their ego, which is vital
for personal harmony and spiritual growth. For example, I knew someone who,
despite success and charity, struggled with meditation due to an oversized ego.
After his guru advised ego reduction, he adopted practical techniques that led
to renewed spiritual progress. An initial defensive reaction to such advice often
signals an ego in need of trimming. As noted in my blog An Introspection
Framework (http://karmasutratkos.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/an-introspection-framework.html), ego can manifest as anger or jealousy.
For spiritual growth, a reduced ego is akin to
slowing a car to navigate a sharp bend safely. A mind weighed down by pride in
self, culture or achievements often lacks the clarity needed for spiritual
insights. My book Karmasutra refers to this as the “cosmic sensitivity
barrier,” which must be thin for true advancement. However, acquiring psychic
powers through techniques like tantra or mantra does not require a reduced ego,
though such powers alone do not equate to spiritual growth.
Dwelling on why a reduced ego is sometimes necessary for certain spiritual practices to bear fruit, let me use the analogy of driving a car. When driving on a straight road, we can travel at higher speeds, but when negotiating a bend, the speed must be reduced or we will be unable to safely make the turn. Similarly, when we are engaged in a quest for spiritual growth and wisdom, a bloated ego makes it difficult for the mind to navigate the introspective path required to assimilate deeper insights. Minds burdened with excessive pride in their own self, culture, nation, family, race or achievements often lose the mental perceptual sharpness and objectivity essential for spiritual advancement. (In my book Karmasutra, I explore this ‘perceptual sharpness’ in more detail and refer to it as the ‘cosmic sensitivity barrier’, which needs to remain thin.)
Having said this, if we are seeking only to acquire certain siddhis or special psychic powers, then this condition does not apply. That is because attaining such powers requires only the ability to use certain aids, whether tantra, mantra, yantra or techniques to communicate with unseen cosmic entities or energies. As a result, even highly egoistic individuals may obtain psychic powers. However, it must be remembered that true spiritual growth is not merely about acquiring such abilities.
Now, having discussed the value of reducing the ego, let me come to the main focus of this blog: practical ego-burning techniques. I should add that this is by no means a complete list. If readers wish to contribute their own ego-reduction methods, I would gladly welcome their additions.
• Seeking Help – In many Western societies, we are encouraged to be independent. However, those who consciously strive to remain humble are willing to ask for help. Egoistic individuals often want to do everything themselves not because they enjoy the extra effort, but because they cannot bear the humility involved in seeking assistance. For instance, even when lost in the middle of a crowded city, unable to make sense of a map, some of us resist asking for directions simply because it involves humbly seeking help from another human being. If asking for even the smallest favour makes us uncomfortable, it is likely a sign of an inflated ego.
It is no coincidence that certain monastic orders in the East require monks to eat food obtained through begging. If they receive more than needed on a given day, they are forbidden from storing it. This daily practice of asking for food—often facing ridicule—serves to keep them humble. Of course, I am not suggesting that everyone adopt such a stringent lifestyle. However, we can apply this ego-burning principle in small ways. We might ask friends or acquaintances for advice, even when we are capable of resolving an issue ourselves, or ask for directions or other minor assistance.
For men who take pride in their looks or charm, a humorous yet effective technique is to ask a beautiful woman for sensual companionship. If she rejects the request, it becomes a valuable ego-deflating experience (for which he should thank her). And if she accepts, it becomes a mutually enjoyable celebration.
• Indulging Critics – We tend to be drawn to those who praise us and to avoid those who challenge our views. In more refined environments, such as corporate settings, this tendency becomes more subtle. Managers often appreciate team members who publicly support their plans and speak enthusiastically about their leadership. Conversely, those who raise concerns or highlight flaws are often side-lined. In private, we may label them ‘troublemakers’.
We prefer to surround ourselves with people who laugh loudly at our jokes. One way to identify flatterers is to observe who laughs the loudest at a joke that is barely funny.
Despite this tendency, it is still possible to seek out and meet our critics in person. Sharing a meal with them and listening openly to their feedback is a powerful way to reduce the ego. Inviting people with opposing political or ideological views, especially those we find hard to agree with, can also help in this regard.
Another ego-reduction practice is to remain connected with people who openly and repeatedly disagree with our social media posts, especially on political or social matters. One of my spiritually realised friends once advised me to do this. I attempted it and found it incredibly challenging to resist the urge to unfriend those who harshly criticised my Facebook posts, particularly those who were not close acquaintances. On Twitter, despite my efforts, I unfortunately gave in to the temptation and blocked those who frequently insulted me.
• Discouraging Flatterers – Some years ago, I watched a television interview with a political leader who was asked why she allowed her followers to prostrate and fall at her feet. She claimed she had asked them not to do so, but they simply refused to listen. (In fact, a recent amusing image showed a sports minister from an African country giving an exaggeratedly deferential handshake to his president. This picture was the butt of many twitter jokes.)
There is likely a good reason why followers ignore us when we ask them not to flatter us. If they see that flatterers consistently gain some form of advantage, they will never take our words at face value. One way to reduce flattery is to find simple methods to penalise or distance ourselves from those who flatter us. For instance, if someone at the office constantly flatters us (or in the Indian context, touches our feet), we might reduce their access to us. Once flatterers begin to sense that flattery brings consequences, the speed at which the culture of flattery disappears will surprise us.
I once attended a meeting in Goa, India, with the revered spiritual teacher Dada Vaswani. He had devised a unique response to people touching his feet—he would make a point of touching their feet in return. Once people observed this, they stopped touching his feet, as few wanted to burden an elderly spiritual figure.
As a corollary, another way to reduce our ego is by touching someone else's feet. This is not easy if we do not come from a tradition where seeking the blessings of elders is customary. Jesus practised this when he washed the feet of his disciples. Lord Rama and Krishna always bowed to learned rishis. In Western or Middle Eastern contexts, kissing the hand or touching it to the forehead might serve a similar purpose. All such gestures reduce our own ego when performed sincerely.
• Criticising our own religion, family, or tradition – I am not suggesting we adopt a habit of constant negativity toward our own culture or religion. We are born into a certain tradition for a reason. Our overself (I won’t elaborate on that concept here—please refer to my book Karmasutra, or read the following passage for some context) may have chosen this birth setting as most suitable for our growth. So, it is natural to feel pride and affection for our background.
However, a powerful way to reduce ego is to listen to critics and agree with them when their arguments are reasonable, rather than responding defensively with, “What about the faults in your own tradition?” If I am Catholic and someone reasonably criticises the Catholic Church, I should acknowledge their point and perhaps add further insight. Even if the criticism seems unfair, maintaining silence and resisting the urge to retaliate is beneficial. Similarly, if I am of Indian origin and hear someone criticising India, and their points are valid, I should join them. Doing so helps reduce the ego and strengthens rapport with the other person.
Naturally, this can be uncomfortable. But just as physical pain at the gym signals that fat is being burned, psychological discomfort in such moments is proof that the ego is being burned away. That discomfort is a sign the method is working.
• Attempting and looking foolish – When others frequently praise our intellect, this technique is a strong ego-buster. A highly capable official I once knew practised this regularly. He had a sharp mind and strong spiritual awareness, but during formal meetings, he would sometimes say something slightly off-topic or naive. Others would quickly point out the flaws, and those less fond of him might even mock him. He would let this happen without correcting them and pretend to be a fool. This kept his ego in check. (He shared this with me on the condition that I would not disclose his identity.)
A variation of this technique is to occasionally seek the company of people far more intelligent or skilled than ourselves. If we struggle with economics, for instance, we can deliberately engage with experts in the field. In their presence, we will almost certainly feel inadequate.
Conversely, those with inflated egos often choose company where they feel superior. Attractive women, for instance, may seek out less attractive friends to ensure they stand out more and gain attention.
If we are proud of our wealth, a good ego check is to spend time with boastful, wealthy individuals. One spiritually mature friend of mine would visit his showy, wealthy classmate once a year. Each time, the classmate would flaunt his latest gadgets, cars, and possessions. By the end of the visit, my friend would feel utterly poor. The technique worked.
Another variation is to play games or sports with friends who are far more skilled. Our motivation to play usually depends on the chance of winning, at least occasionally. We prefer tennis opponents we can beat sometimes. But if we never win, we tend to avoid playing. Chess, in particular, is an excellent ego-buster because it relies entirely on intellect, not luck. Constant losses in chess can be humbling.
• Waiting – This is another effective technique. Egoistic people dislike waiting. They prefer to arrive just in time for a train or event, avoiding the appearance of waiting. If we are generally punctual, arriving early and waiting without complaint helps reduce the ego. Waiting for habitually late people, without showing anger, is also powerful.
• Apologising in public – We all enjoy being praised in public and prefer to apologise in private. Publicly apologising, especially in front of those who dislike us, is a superb ego-burner. Even the form of apology matters. A simple public ‘sorry’ is helpful, but more intensive versions exist.
One spiritually conscious academic I know practises this well. If he ever arrived late to an event—rare for someone of his rank—he would first apologise and then scold himself harshly in front of everyone, but not facetiously. He might say something like, “I was foolish to rely on my diary when I often forget to check it.” He used the strongest language for himself. Interestingly, if someone else made the same mistake, he would rarely scold them, and certainly never as harshly.
• Dealing with embarrassment – For most adults, especially women in skirts, falling while walking is embarrassing. In 2015, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe fell while disembarking from a podium at an airport. His security staff immediately forced journalists to delete all photographs of the incident. (I have given below, one such picture published in the online edition of Independent newspaper).
(Source : Independent newspaper online, AP)
Egoistic people do not like
embarrassments and often punish those who even witness such signs of their
weakness. For men, being caught in a restaurant without money to pay
the bill is a major embarrassment. Similarly, being caught with an open fly, or
burping or passing gas in public, can be deeply embarrassing. Of course,
deliberately creating an embarrassing situation might not be practical for
commoners like us, but how a person responds afterwards is a useful indicator
of ego. If an unforeseen embarrassment leads to intense anger towards someone—a
subordinate, colleague or servant, or even oneself—it is a clear sign of a
bloated ego. The ability to laugh at oneself in such moments is a sign of a
well-trimmed ego.
- Treating those far less powerful than us, better
– Indian mythology recounts that when an angry sage once kicked the
all-powerful Lord Vishnu in the chest, Lord Vishnu humbly enquired whether the
sage’s leg had been hurt. Lord Krishna, an avatar of Vishnu, is also said to
have shared with delight the beaten rice meal of his penniless, elderly
classmate Sudama.
I once knew a
professor who was the Head of Department (HOD) in a university, leading a team
of several junior teachers. In most cases, if a junior colleague neglected a
task, he would quietly do it himself. If someone refused to teach a course, he
would cheerfully accept it. Some colleagues would even remark, ‘What is our HOD
doing? He’s letting so-and-so take advantage of him.’ A few tried to convince
him to be more strict and demanding, but he would have none of it. I never once
saw him use power or coercion to compel others. He always made requests in the
most humble and respectful language, as though he were the subordinate.
There are three
broad ways in which people treat those far less powerful than themselves. Those
with bloated egos often behave with disdain, arrogance, or complete
indifference. People with moderate egos are generally kind and humane, but
react forcefully when the less powerful act unreasonably. Only the truly
humble—those with significantly reduced egos—respond with patience even when
the subordinate is arrogant or difficult. How we treat someone far below us in
power, especially when we have every reason to respond with authority, is a
telling indicator of our ego.
(However, a caveat:
avoiding conflict and power simply out of extreme timidity may not be a sign of
humility. Shyness and a reduced ego often go together, but if conflict
avoidance arises from a deep-seated inferiority complex, it becomes a case of
making a virtue out of necessity.)
- Trust and forgiveness – Some of my
spiritual heroes used these as powerful ego-busting tools. It is said that Lord
Rama, the mighty warrior avatar of Vishnu, forgave Ravana after defeating him
in battle and even approached him with humility. Imagine confronting someone
who has kidnapped your beloved wife and held her captive for years. If we were
to defeat such a person and rescue our loved one, would we ever want to see
their face again? But not Lord Rama. He asked his devoted younger brother
Lakshmana to approach Ravana as a disciple and learn from his expertise in
statecraft. Similarly, as Jesus lay dying on the cross, one of his final
utterances was a prayer of forgiveness for those who harmed him.
Trust is another
profound tool for reducing ego. One reason children do not have large egos is
that they trust easily and forgive readily. They do not burden their memories
with lists of past grievances or use these to justify mistrust or bitterness.
Letting go of past
hurts and choosing to trust again is a powerful way to shrink the ego. One of
my spiritually wise friends often lends money to those who have previously
failed to repay him. Some may call him naïve, but he consciously uses this
experience of ‘being cheated’ as a spiritual exercise in humility.
Most religions
incorporate ego-reducing practices through rituals or customs. For instance, in
the Catholic Church, the sacrament of confession requires a person to kneel and
confess their sins to a priest. Even Catholic priests are expected to confess to
another priest. It can be a deeply humbling experience to reveal our innermost
secrets to someone with whom we share little personal intimacy. Among Hindus,
there is the ritual of offering one’s hair to the gods. A full head of hair is
often associated with good looks and ego, and to sacrifice it is an act of
humility. Prostrating before gods in temples, touching the feet of gurus or
elders, and performing suryanamaskar are
all practices in Indian culture aimed at reducing the ego. In Islam, the act of
namaaz, with one’s forehead touching the
ground in prayer, also serves to humble the self.
This blog has
already grown unusually long, and perhaps a bit unwieldy. My apologies for
that—though I may be clumsily trying to practise an ego-busting technique here.
As mentioned before, this is not an exhaustive list, merely a collection of
techniques used by some of my spiritually advanced friends and acquaintances. I
thank them for kindly sharing these insights with me. I invite readers to add
their own tried and tested ego-busting techniques.
Wishing all my
readers a joyful Kristu Jayanti (Christmas) season and a very Happy New Year
2017.
©Staju
Jacob, 2016.
Staju
Jacob is the author of the path-breaking book Karmasutra The Karma of Sex, which deals with the karmic
spirituality of consensual sexual actions. This book is available globally on
various Amazon sites in Paperback and Kindle, Sony Kobo, Google books, Iphone
Ibook etc. He may be contacted on Twitter @KaRmasutraTKOS
